Here’s what I’ve gleaned from many years working with egoists in fashion & media and living life waltzing through various societal echelons:

#1: The rude action or comment is directed towards you in front of others. The first step is to NOT immediately react. This takes self control (something that maturity and practice can muster up).

#2: Avoid grimacing or showing a sudden change in your facial expression. Go for a total poker face. This will create space and a suitable distance between their behavior and your own.

#3: If you are afforded a moment to think, instead of assuming the worst about the person’s intentions, swap negative thoughts for this - be intrigued. Why did they do that? Are they feeling insecure, etc? Try not to overthink it but do consider that there is a reason behind the action and it’s not necessarily related to you or others present.

#4: This pause will calm down your limbic brain and avoid a sudden plummet into reactive behavior. You can now respond with either a boundary, a diversion, or empathy. Your mode of operating in this instance depends on your ability to read the room, the situation, and the dynamic.

#5: Get creative with your response. For instance, when someone openly insulted my head-to-toe outfit as being “far too overdressed” for the occasion and proceeded to make spiky comments in my direction within a group setting, here’s what I did. I set a confident boundary by saying, “me and my dress feel very happy together.” This acknowledged the person's comment (because ignoring someone is rude) but declared a subtle boundary that I was not interested in petty trivialities or jousting. It disarmed them without harming them socially.

#6: Re-route back to civility: In the aforementioned example, I proceeded to serve up a genuine question to someone else in the group that redirected the conversation towards others. Elevate the dynamic! Take charge and command that the vibe be constructive. Do not exclude the person who took a social stab at you, simply keep your eye contact inclusive of all so as not to bait them back into conflict with you. It really does work and navigates you well away from unkind verbal table tennis. Anyway, there is no such thing as being overdressed; only being underdressed. Own it.

This is what team Deenathe1st deems to be ‘radically elegant’ behavior in the face of unkindness. You have an invisible shield, not a sword, for those who are ill-mannered. It can be tempting to fire back with arrows of wit but it takes so much more power to stop something in its tracks.

Final thought for Volume 2 of This Modern Manners Guide - please use your napkin. No couture gown or vintage ready-to-wear garment should be subjected to crumbs.

Written by Philippa Morgan

READ Volume 1 all over again to prime yourself for almost any situation. Until next time…